If only I had made this a turkey, it would have been the perfect Christmas comic.  Although why a turkey would be buk buk BUKAWing like a chicken is something I’m not qualified to explain!

As a Christmas bonus I wanted to share with you a Christmas article I wrote for my local paper and was published in their Christmas Special last week.  Because of my recent Silly Beggar exploits, they thought it would be fun if I were to give advice to kids writing to Santa Claus.  Here’s what I came up with…

Writing to Santa: The Greedy Method

Good-hearted kids write to Santa Claus to ask for Good Will to All Men, Peace on Earth or more hugs from Grandma.  It’s a nice sentiment, but it’s not going to put the latest Xpod, iBerry or WiiStation under your tree.  For those of us who find ourselves on Santa’s naughty list, writing a letter to ask for presents is, by necessity, a much more calculated affair, an intricate equation of words designed convince jolly St Nick to part with the maximum number of elf-made goodies.

It’s a tall order.  Can one single letter atone for a year’s worth of untidy rooms, speaking in class and sticking chewing gum to random surfaces?  There’s only one way to find out nothing to lose by trying!  Simply follow my tried and tested techniques then sit back and wait for your stocking to overflow.

The Butter Upper

Before I begin describing my first approach, I’d like to take a moment say how lovely your hair looks today.  Can I borrow it sometime?  Yes, you may have spotted what I did there, chums.  With just a few kind words, I have put you into a good mood and, if my plan worked, you are now wrapping a parcel of goodies for me right now.  And if it worked on a smart, attractive, pleasant-smelling person like you, imagine how it’ll go over on a gullible chump like Santa. The best part is, saying nice things is free.  In fact, it’s complimentary!

The Vague Threat

Don’t threaten Santa directly as, once attempted, you’re on Santa’s naughty list for life!  Yes, if you tell Santa that unless he leaves a good present you’ll seriously damage his elf, you might find a very angry reindeer knocking at your door willing to share out the red noses.  However you can subtly imply that it’s in his interest to give you good gifts.  Perhaps illustrate your letter with a picture of a fat bearded man being chased by an unexpected panther?  He’ll get the message.

The Loop-hole Finder

Ever met a poor lawyer?  Didn’t think so.  That’s because they’ve figured out how to make ‘the rules’ work for them.  In your letter restate the rules of Christmas (as you understand them), twisting them to your advantage.  Let me give you an example.  If you’re on Santa’s naughty list, remind him that Christmas is a time of forgiveness.  Specifically, of him forgiving your wrongdoings.  You could also add that Christmas is a time of giving, not a time of receiving and therefore, he should focus his energy on giving you a truckload of gifts.

The Bribe

Could a glass of milk, a mince pie and a carrot for Rudolph be enough to return you to Santa’s good graces?  There are many years of evidence to suggest that it works, but why not step it up a gear and see where it leads?  Leave your letter beside a bottle of wine, a computer with internet connection and a list conveniently bookmarked eBay pages.  If you can initiate a booze-fuelled spending spree, your gift mountain is surely just a step away.

So maybe these techniques are a little extreme and just a smidge on the silly side, but if your letter proves unsuccessful and Santa brings you nothing but coal, it isn’t the end of the world.  If you’ve found yourself surrounded by friends and family this Christmas, perhaps you’ve ended up with more than you realised.  Merry Christmas!

Silly Beggar: The World’s Stupidest Begging Letters, published by Aurora Metro, is available now